LIES

Today's word is LIES.

All lies. Lies lies lies. I have fooled myself into thinking I can recover from this. I am so painfully torn between wanting to shed myself of this debilitating, festering shell of a disease and sinking further into the chaotic beauty of size double zero.

I want it. So bad. So much. I can taste it on my tongue, stronger than the food I have to eat every day.

I wrote this in May. I think it succinctly and accurately describes how I feel to this present day, so I'll share it with you, my non-existent followers:

Lately I have felt disconnected from reality, delirious. I stare at people, but I can't see them, I hear what they're saying, but I don't understand. I've become trapped in my own little world in my head that only seems to be able to truly express itself here. Sometimes I feel like the whole world is watching me, judging me all the time. Sometimes I revisit reality and realize that no one actually cares.
I'm scared they'll hear the water running and know I am disgracing my body again. But at the same time they're whispering behind the door downstairs, hoping that the sound of the running water will drown out their insults about my mother. She is honest with me. They act as if I don't know he's in court again fighting to take away child support, kick us out of the house we can't afford.
They must know I can hear their whispers. Or maybe I'm just delusional again to think that everything is in some way related back to me. Sure, this is child support, and I am the child, but no one hates me. They hate each other. They hate each other so much that they don't even notice me, ears pressed against the hardwood listening the tones and inflections of every hushed syllable as if I know what they're saying, as if my own delusions set the record straight.
For now I am drifting. I have my music, the sun, and my legs that will take me as far as my arms will push them. I don't subscribe to a genre, but a feeling. Music needs to be deep-rooted in eye opening emotion and passion. When you can feel it breathing in your core, that's music. When you feel as if you could close your mouth and never take another breath again because the song will carry you along. And you're running and you're running. You can't remember if you've opened your mouth, or how many laps you've ran, or if the world is spinning or you are. It's that delirium. That is where I am.

Although, my delirium is heavier now. I am weighed down by infinite sadness. I haven't heard from my friends in weeks, and slowly I'm pulling away. I tell myself if they really care they'll put in the effort. I'm tired of one-sided friendships. But I've stopped talking to them and they finally want to see me and "hang out."

I will not fall so easily. How much longer do I have to pretend I don't need friends before they all abandon me for good? I want to cry out WHAT HAPPENED? What does your new "bestie" do for you that I can't? Am I not cheerful enough? Smart enough? Fun enough? Nice enough for you? Why do you always leave me for someone else? Why? What happened? What did I DO? When will I be the perfect friend for somebody?

Anybody.
Is anybody there?

It's been almost a month since I've done anything social.

I am fazing.

By the time I arrive at University I will have seen their faces for the very last time. These faulty friendships will be officially and permanently terminated.

Goodbye forever.

There's a voice screaming in my head. LOVE ME! nothing. WANT ME! nothing. HUG ME! nothing. NOTICE ME! crickets. I am silenced by my own guilt. I do not deserve the company of others. I do not deserve to have friends or be happy. These are the products of a lovable person. I am not lovable. I am a liar and a bad friend.

I am a cactus.

I am ugly and prickly and repel all things lively and beautiful. I survive on nothing.

I want to run away and live on a farm in a foreign country where no one knows my face or understands the gibberish I speak. I want to melt away in the heat of a summer prairie landscape. I want to float away in the clouds. I want to escape everything, my poisoned brain.

I am a prisoner.

I need to be punished.
Torture me again, my friend.
I deserve it.